An Exercise in Redundancy

This piece was hastily scribbled on a brown paper bag at 2:00 a.m. in the morning.

Click on any wordy or unnecessary adjectives, adverbs and phrases. The complete answer key is on the next page; see how many you can catch. Note how using a rich vocabulary can help stamp out redundancy.

       Jack checked his brand-new Rolex watch. It was 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and the sky was cloudy and overcast. He'd have to run quickly if he wanted to catch his bus before it got to the bus stop. Jack checked his brand-new Rolex watch. He nervously paced back and forth while waiting for the light to change. For a moment, he was tempted to illegally jaywalk, but he was still smarting from the ticket he’d gotten the previous week from that cop.
      It was starting to rain, and he tucked up his collar around his neck. He had mistakenly forgotten his umbrella on another bus. The light finally changed, and the walk sign came on. It was just his luck that two older women stepped off the curb ahead of him and began ambling slowly across the street at a snail's pace.
       Jack suddenly darted around the women and scurried quickly through the crosswalk. By the time he reached his bus stop, the rain had turned into giant hailstones the size of grapefruit and people began shrieking loudly and running for cover. Fortunately for Jack, his bus pulled up to the stop and he elbowed his way with his elbows through the other bus passengers. Relieved, he grabbed the first available seat and flopped down hard with a sigh of relief. Now the hail was really coming down hard, and Jack heard a loud pinging sound on the roof. Unlucky pedestrians were being violently pummeled on the sidewalk by the large chunks of hail.
       Once he was safely on the way to his destination, Jack let his mind wander slowly to other things, like his girlfriend, Jill, who was a rich and beautiful woman. He was glad he had caught his bus on time because Jill frowned disapprovingly whenever he was late. He couldn't complain about that. Frankly, she was a stunning beauty and had bought him his flashy Rolex timepiece. But he was a man who had some integrity, wasn’t he? After all, Jill was his only girlfriend, and he was mostly faithful, although there were those two twins in Peoria…
       The squealing of brakes suddenly interrupted Jack’s dreamy reverie, and he bounded quickly off the bus. His stop was a short sprint from the restaurant where he was meeting Jill. By then, the hail had downgraded to tiny pea-sized pellets, and he was covered with the stuff by the time he reached the Top Cat Bar and Grill, panting and out of breath.
       Jill was waiting for him at a table near the bar impatiently tapping her foot and looking at her matching ladies’ Rolex watch. Jack was brushing the hail off his tan camel hair coat. His hair looked like pie a la mode, Jill thought to herself.
      “Why, Jack!” Jill exclaimed in in astonishment. “What happened to you? Your hair looks like pie a la mode!” She scowled disapprovingly. And why are you late? You were supposed to be here at 4:30, and now it’s 4:37.”
      “I’m sorry,” Jack apologized. “The bus driver had to go slowly due to the giant, grapefruit-sized hail stones.”
     “Oh, is it hailing out? I hadn’t noticed.” Jill alluringly tossed her dark, raven-colored tresses over her shoulder in an enticing manner. She was wearing a red cashmere cardigan sweater with a white ermine fur collar.
       “Nice sweater!” Jack complimented her admiringly. The color red looked good on her. He took off his coat.
      “Oh, thank you, “Jill said, quickly fluttering her lashes in that way she had. “You know how I hate wearing fur, but Grammie sent this for my birthday, WHICH IS NEXT WEEK.”
       “Don’t worry,” Jack chortled with laughter. “I won’t forget your birthday.
      Jill impatiently tapped her long red-polished nails on the table, annoyed that the waiter hadn’t appeared. “Where is that waiter? He hasn’t been by yet,” she said, annoyed.
       Jack was deeply entranced by her freshly manicured, red-painted nails, which reminded him of lobster claws. Come to think of it, lobster sounded like a good idea. He was getting a little peckish.
      “Darling, are you getting peckish?” Jill asked quizzically. “You seem distracted.”
       “As a matter of fact, I am getting hungry,” Jack said. “Let’s eat!”
      The waiter finally noticed Jack and quickly rushed to their table. They ordered drinks and lobster and laughed gaily throughout the evening, planning Jill’s birthday.
       After finishing their dinner and several Manhattan drinks, Jack and Jill went up the hill to the jewelry store to look at jewelry. Despite the hail storm and Jack’s tardy arrival, they’d had a great date.